The Lesson I Took 3 Kids to Learn

Let me spare you some grief. (I hope I'm not too late.) After you have a baby, your sex life will change. It will. It's a fact! But, don't despair Daddy, It will get better! In the meantime, it can wreak havoc on an otherwise loving and well adjusted relationship. It did mine. But, we recovered, and so can you.

Unfortunately, no one tells you this. Your mother doesn't, your friend doesn't, your OBGYN doesn't, (But, if you are my cousin/sister/friend, I will!) so the two of you are left... stuck. He thinks you don't love him anymore and you feel he is insensitive.

In order to fully understand why the new mom is so despondent, let's start with history. For thousands of years, there was no tiny pill to take every day or clear patch to put on your arm, tiny plastic "Y"s that were inserted right into the vagina, or even latex sleeves. There was just Mother Nature. And since Mother Nature herself had given birth to (and recovered from) millions and billions of babies, she knew that the mother. needed. a. break. And yes, crazy as it sounds, sex is just one of the things she needed a break from. After her body and hormones spiraled out of control for 9 months and then she was forced to push an 8 pound, big headed baby, through a hole the size of a cherry, and then forced to endure sleepless nights, leaky breasts and a little 8 pound bundle of chunk (cuteness) that was more demanding than even her husband was, she needed a break. Her body needed time to heal, and regulate and she needed time to focus on her new child and her own recovery. And in order to do this effectively, she needed to NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN. So, Mother Nature decided, the best way to accomplish this, was a non existent libido.

Mother Nature decided that once baby was born, she'd make some of the post baby hormones dual active. Prolactin, which helps in milk production, also lowers sex drive. Progesterone, which also aids in milk production, lowers sex drive. Oxytocin, which aids in milk let down, lowers sex drive. So when you add that to no sleep (which makes irritable, depressed and eratic mommies), leaky breasts (which only get worst with orgasms- thanks again to oxytocin), low sex drive (really low when you factor in the fact that it takes longer and more work to achieve orgasm and remember- she's already exhausted), post baby body (now her body image has taken a dive), and to top it off, Dude, she's been filling needs and had something hanging all over her all day! Its no wonder she's faked a headache. again.

To compound Daddy's frustration, he's usually coming off of the high of a heightened pregnancy sex drive. So, post baby when the doctor ordered break is over, the Daddy is like "Hoo Ray! Let's go baby!" and the Mommy is like, "Oh crud.". Which is why, when his advances are shunned, Daddy is left feeling rejected and unwanted. For him, he's afraid that life (sex life) as he's known it up to this point is OVER! But, that's not so, once mommy has healed, recovered and finished nursing, the vast majority of sex drives go back to normal. I'm sorry to say you probably won't get the pregnancy high, but normal is good. Until then, here's what I suggest:

1. Daddy, don't take it personally. Its not you, its exhaustion, over touching, and hormones. BE PATIENT, understanding and kind.

2. Keep the cuddle alive. Even if you don't feel like sex, Mommy, you still need to keep your relationship alive. Go on a date and spend some time on the couch cuddling.

3. Mommy, you need to remember, Daddy does still have needs. You can't fake a headache EVERY TIME. And once in while, if he's been a particularly good Daddy, you can start it. Chances are, once you get started, you will want to finish.

4. And finally, Daddy, if you really want sex, try this: Make dinner, do the dishes, put the baby to bed and let Mommy have a bubble bath. Its very possible that after a good rest, some R&R and a great massage from her hubby, she may be slightly in the mood.

The most important thing to remember is Do Not Despair. Be patient with each other. You love him and he loves you and the more understanding and patient you are with each other the faster it will get back to normal. The last thing you need is for this to taint your sex life once things do get back to normal. So, never forget, that you are in love.

Whaddya think?


  1. Hahaha. I love #4. She may be SLIGHTLY in the mood. I just tell my husband I haven't reached my sexual peak yet, which I think is true. Like everything in marriage, there are high and low points. The trick is to enjoy the high and not dwell on the low. That's life. :)

  2. Bahaha! Love it! After five years of marriage and having three pregnancies- two births close together we're FINALLY starting to enjoy the other aspects of marriage. I never thought of mother nature playing a roll in trying to keep us from getting pregnant again. I always felt bad and... to be honest wierd. I love your blog Shay! :) You are such an intellectual writer, good job!