4/01/2012

Dear Daddy,

As this baby continues to drop and the contractions continue to increase, it comes to my attention that you might be reporting for Grandparent Duty before Mom is able to. This means, you might be left ALONE with ALL of my children for 24- 48 hours. Contrary to your Facebook post, I have no doubt in your fabulous Grandpa skills (you are great at taking them camping, teaching them to shoot guns and feeding them ice cream for breakfast), but your mothering skills could use some brushing up.

So, in order to calm my nerves and fears, I have decided to spell in out.

In writing.

In Layman's terms.

(this is a legally binding document, your signature is required at the bottom.)

-Do not feed them ice cream for breakfast and send them to school. Their teachers will not be happy. Ice cream for breakfast is only appropriate when you are in charge of them. All day. Childrens' scrambled eggs (or any normal person's for that matter) do not contain feta cheese and greek olives. (true story) You mix the eggs in a bowl and dump them in a pan and stir. Or you pour a bowl of cereal.

-Rascal needs a lunch for school. Peanut butter is no longer appropriate due to the high number of children's allergies. A four year old's lunch does not contain:
1. a can of campbell soup (even if you send a can opener)
2. a whole, uncut apple
3. a can of sardines
4. a cup (so he can get his own water from the bathroom sink).

Better yet, don't worry about Rascal's lunch. I will take a bag of non perishable four year old friendly foods that he can eat in the event that you are in charge. Buster and Dodger can buy lunch. Don't worry about them either.

-My children ride in car seats. Always. It is never appropriate the throw them in the back of your truck for a "ride". Ever. Even just to the bus stop. It is no longer 1980. We've learned from your mistakes.

- You may not leave them in a running car while you run into the store. Ever. It is illegal and I say no.

-Dinner, does not consist of:
1. a can of snails. (true story)
2. marshmellows.
3. rattlesnake (true story)
4. frog legs (true story)
5. donuts, cookies, candy
6. or anything like the above.

Approved items for dinner, include:
1. mac and chees (NOT made with butter and pepper only. I know this is nostalgic to you because your mother made it that way, but my children do not like it, it will be wasted. Follow the directions on the box).
2. hot pockets
3. corn dogs
4. ramen (made according to the package)
5. frozen pizza (as is in the box- do not add mushrooms, peppers, snails, etc to the children's portion)
6. McDonalds
7. Teriyaki from the restaurant by the gas station.

If appropriate dinner foods are overwhelming to you, Buster can be in charge. He can make dinner for all. He's 10.

- Hand soap is NOT appropriate for whole body washing. (true story) The hand soap stays by the sink so you can wash your HANDS. I know that 50 years ago someone told you that dial soap was best so I bought you your very own, whole bottle of dial hair and body soap. This is all for you and not appropriate for Rascal. He needs the TEAR FREE soap. Last time you washed him with hand soap, I suffered the consequences for hours, and I won't be there this time.

- If (heaven forbid) someone pulls an arm out of joint, gets a cut to the bone, breaks a bone, shoots a nail through their fingers with the nail gun, or is injured in any way, we do NOT:
- slap a bandaid on it if we see bone
- transport the children to the hospital if we see a broken bone (that is what AMBULANCES ARE FOR).
-"pop it back in"
- pull the nail out ourselves (true story)- better yet, no power tools while I am gone.

We go to doctors and hospitals. We have insurance. There is a great hospital 10 minutes away and the pediatrician is 5 minutes away. I'll leave you the numbers/addresses.

-Bedtime is bedtime for a reason. (Rascal at 8 pm and Dodger and Buster can go to their rooms at 8 pm and read until 9 pm.) If you let them stay up until 10 or 11 pm, be advised that they will still wake up at 7:00- 7:30 am and they will be wretched, all day. This is not appropriate on the day I bring the new, unsleeping baby home from the hospital, on the previous days, you can decide for yourself what you want to deal with, as long as it isn't a school day.

-I made you a calendar of their comings and goings everyday to help you keep up; complete with moms to call for help/rides. I know every day is filled. That's how we roll. But, I left you all the times and addresses to help. :) And you can take a nap while they're at school.

- And finally, have no fear, Mom will arrive soon and I will leave you a list of moms you can call for reinforcements.

You're the greatest, Dad! It'll be fun.

Love,
Your Loving, Grateful Daughter


Whaddya think?

7 comments:

  1. Call me when you head to the hospital. I will move up my plane ticket and get there fast!

    BTW, you just described my life....trying to anticipate the unexpected and non-traditional in nearly every aspect is the life with your Dad.

    Oh, you forgot to add Dill Pickle Casserole and koolaide made from Jello Powder.

    Love you,

    Mom

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  2. Grandpa, I like the way you make mac & Cheese! Shay, don't forget, 5 children survived your dad, your children will too lol!

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  3. Just leave the phone numbers to the pizza and Chinese fast food that deliver. They will survive. It is what you haven't thought of that will be the problem. Just kidding. Love ya'll.

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  4. I still have the scars in my fingers from the nail.

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  5. A four year old's lunch does not contain (continued):
    -A peanut butter sandwich with lemonade powder sprinkled on top of the peanut butter. (True story)
    -A bag of sliced dill pickles (True story)

    I love you daddy but shay is right your mothering skills are off. But you definitley make a wonderful grandpa!

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  6. I LOVE IT!!! I also love that I know a lot of those stories! :-) Good luck, Shay! We sure love you! And Brother Hadley, you rock!
    Shannon

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  7. hilarious! I was rolling with laughter through the entire post - mostly because of the number of items you clarified with (true story) and picturing you dad with a quizical "what do you mean they don't like feta cheese with scrambled eggs?" look!
    I'm sure your children will be just fine while you are bringing a new sibling into the world. Good luck with your delivery and "reconditioning" your children after a visit from grandpa!

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